3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
