So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
dude i'm inner monologue high
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
