I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
