Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize
