just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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