my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I have fence marks all over my body
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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