Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
