Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
my liver is dry heaving
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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