Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
