Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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