So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
