I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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