I CAN MOONWALK!
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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