i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
