i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
