If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
