It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
