I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
i now understand why vodka
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
