dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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