I will die if light touches me.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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