I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
