two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
