The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
