I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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