I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She bit a glass in half.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
