i just sent this text using only my big toe
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
