Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
