im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
That accounts for only three of the penises
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
