On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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