a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
