I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
