youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
