I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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