dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
