Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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