Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
