It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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