His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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