Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
