Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
If its not for food we ain't going out.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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