I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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