I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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