I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
