Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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