Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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