That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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