im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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