You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
