dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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