I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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